


Waiting

by Lemon (lemon_sprinkles)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Shepard, Gay Sex, Gift Fic, M/M, POV Kaidan Alenko, PTSD, Renegade Commander Shepard, Smut, deep brooding soldier thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:41:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3839173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_sprinkles/pseuds/Lemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During those tense, in-between moments, two marines find a bit of calm amidst the terror of fighting a losing war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mad-maleficar](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=mad-maleficar).



> Gift fic for the lovely Mae who helped me out during a rough spot. Beta'd by Bree (thanks again, peach!)
> 
> My first Mass Effect fic, so please be gentle. Only recently got into the series and I just had to write something for these two. The theme of waiting was inspired by the TV war drama "Unsere Mutter Unsere Vater"

Ask any marine what the hardest part of war was and they’d tell you it was the in-between moments; the moments between the fighting and the preparation, the collecting of the dog tags and the brief remembrance of those who died. It was the moments between the reality of death and the guilty relief that the guy next to you had been shot instead of you.

It was the _waiting_ that truly killed a soldier.

Some civilians might argue it was the looming sense of death that got to a soldier, but adrenaline of war was a heady drug. It sinks into your bones and works its way through your muscles and up into your brain, surging you forward, making you forget everything but the pounding in your chest and the heavy thud of another thermal clip dropping to the ground at your feet. It made rational beings into mindless animals, their roars soaring across the battlefield as they forgot their own mortality in the face of death— a dramatic _fuck you_ to the powers that be.

Death became a constant during war. It was _everywhere_ , so much so it became almost mundane. That was, until you were the one bleeding out while your comrades dragged you away from the field, their voices distant and their hands searing into your bruised and bloodied flesh, gripping at your wounds and telling you it’d all be okay while you quietly pleaded for your mother like a frightened child. Then it became _real_. But by the time you were close enough to know just how real death was, you were probably already gone.

No, Kaidan was certain it was the waiting that really tore into a man.

Waiting between missions or battles gave a person time to think, and the mind of a marine in the middle of a war was a dangerous place to get lost in. Some never came out of their tangled barbwire mind once they let themselves slip into it. They’d get stuck—unable to pull free from their damning thoughts and worries. They’d replay lost fights over and over again; get caught up in the phantom tastes of blood and dirt and tortured screams. Or they’d think about the what-ifs. _What if I’d been faster? What if I’d been slower? What if I’d never taken that shot? What if I’d never joined up to fight in this fucking lost cause?_

Over and over and over again.

The quiet moments had to be filled; every good soldier who wanted to keep his sanity knew this. Some talked; others would write. Some would seek the company of another if only for a moment.

 _A sanity check_ , Kaidan had called it once. A sanity check to ease away the endless chatter in a hardened marine’s mind, if only for a moment.

He had his own ways of dealing while on the Normandy. It wasn’t easy, of course. Travel time between planets was relatively brief given the vast expanse of the galaxy, but it could still take a day to get from one system to another, leaving everyone on board itching and antsy, desperate to do something to occupy their thoughts so they wouldn’t think about how many Reapers it took to wipe out an entire city in the time it took to get from the Citadel to the Rosetta Nebula.

He’d write reports and file them; get debriefed along with the rest of the crew; send out more feelers in an attempt to get in contact with his family, and fend off another migraine caused more from stress than the implant. And when that was all done, Kaidan would watch Shepard in his own futile attempts at keeping busy.

Shepard would run from room to room, checking in on the crew, seeing where their mental states were and looking for any physical damage from the last firefight. Once that was done he’d go to the com-room, hoping for a call from Anderson but usually getting an earful from a politician who didn’t like the aggressive way he handled things. Once his reports were done, his black tar Alliance-issued coffee swallowed, and his messages read, Shepard would inevitably end up in the Starboard with Kaidan, the two talking to fill the silence—anything to stop each other from going too far into their own thoughts. They spoke about the mundane and trivial, both avoiding the real, important shit in favour of keeping their stomachs from knotting up. Sometimes the conversations were sexual in nature, making Kaidan feel like a teenage kid again, flirting with a boy as their knees touched and gazes lingered.

But try as they might, they were only mortal men. Eventually they would need sleep, and it was in the period between waking and sleep that things hit a soldier the hardest. All the barriers were ripped down and a man was left with nothing but the slow, steady pulse of his heart and the knowledge that they were fighting a losing war.

It was one of those moments that Kaidan woke to.

Shepard was sitting on the edge of the bed, attention fixed on something off to the side near the door. His back was straight, shoulders taught and pulled back like he was ready for inspection, but his head hung low, fingers dancing around dog tags that glittered in the low glow of the fish tank. His face was hidden by shadows but Kaidan didn’t have to see all of his features to know he was frowning, dark brows knitted tightly together in an expression he wore more and more.

When Kaidan shifted under the sheets, Shepard dropped the tags and turned ever so slightly, blue eyes locking with his own in the dim light.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” Shepard replied.

His voice was clear, the cobwebs of sleep brushed off long ago.

“How much sleep did you get?” Kaidan asked, rubbing his eyes, a yawn slipping past.

Shepard’s gaze flicked over to the alarm clock on the bedside table. “Four hours.”

Four hours was better than nothing. EDI told Kaidan that before he’d joined back up with the Normandy, Shepard was running on less than two most days. Sometimes he went days without sleep, constantly moving from one task to another like a machine built for war.

 _Reapers don’t stop to catch their breath_ , he’d told Kaidan once when he tried to convince him to put down the datapad and take a five minute rest.

 _Good thing you’re not a reaper, Shepard_ , he’d said in reply, and finally pulled him away with a careful kiss and a glass of whiskey.

But… maybe he was. Maybe that was what Cerberus had done—made him that little bit more—added that little touch of alien technology while no one was looking. They said they hadn’t changed him but this was Cerberus for fuck’s sake. _Nothing_ was past them, not even playing God.

 _Don’t think about that. Don’t think_ like _that. You know he’s the same Shepard you fought alongside of back on the original Normandy, just with a few extra scars and a couple more nightmares. He’s_ not _part Reaper._

Shepard was incredible, but he _wasn’t_ a machine. Machines followed orders and Shepard undermined them as much as he could—wiggled that much more to the left than everyone else to get the job done, no matter the cost. He was human. Kaidan knew this when he looked into his eyes and saw past the stress and worry and anger; saw the love and determination and something so exquisitely human he lacked the words to describe it.

If Shepard was more than a regular human it was there before Cerberus. It was there in spite of them.

“How long have you been sitting there for?” he asked after a pregnant pause, Kaidan struggling to collect his thoughts, the allure of sleep tickling the back of his eyelids.

“An hour? Maybe more.” He shrugged and went back to fiddling with his dog tags.

An hour was a long time to sit alone in the dark. Kaidan silently cursed the fact that he’d slept in and hadn’t noticed that Shepard was awake and alert. He then cursed himself again. _Shepard isn’t a child, Kaidan._

But he felt the need to protect him all the same.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” he asked. Sitting up, he came close enough to touch Shepard’s back, run his hands along his waist, press a gentle kiss to the back of his neck and breathe in his scent. He didn’t do any of that. Instead he ran a hand through his hair, thick locks having long since been pulled out of their gelled hold.

“Didn’t have the heart,” he mumbled, head turning ever so slightly so he could glance over his shoulder at Kaidan, keeping him in his field of view. Even in his room— the most intimate and personal space Shepard had—he kept his guard up.

“Huh... I’ve heard that before,” Kaidan said. “And I think I remember telling you to wake me.”

Kaidan was close enough now to see Shepard in the low light. His face was worn and tired and severe, but the small smile on his lips was soft and genuine. “Sorry.”

It felt good to see Shepard smile but it didn’t last; it never lasted. Immediately he was looking back at the door, seemingly forgetting that Kaidan was in the room with him. Wherever he’d been before Kaidan woke, he was retreating to again, giving in in ways Kaidan had seen others do before. Sometimes it was just so easy to slip into your own mind…

Kaidan realized that after Shepard had died and the Normandy with him.

“Hey… Hey, Shepard…” He reached up and touched Shepard’s back gently, feeling the indent of his spine through the soft Alliance-issued shirt he’d worn to bed so many times it had gone almost transparent in places. Shepard didn’t tense, drawing Kaidan in further, the flat of his hand spreading out across the tight muscles, fingers splaying across a shoulder blade.

Shepard also didn’t reply, however.

“John?”

Finally, “Yeah?”

“Come back to me.”

That worked—whatever it was. Shepard sucked in a breath and tensed before relaxing, shoulders finally sagging, hand dropping from his dog tags. “Sorry,” he repeated, hands pushing into his eyes, rubbing fiercely. “I was just…”

“Yeah, I know.”

_You went away but I’m here to draw you back. It’s what I’m here for; I’ve got your back, Shepard._

Kaidan didn’t want to ask what he’d been thinking about—didn’t want to give voice to the cold places soldiers wandered when they strayed too far—but Shepard was telling him anyways, voice unusually soft as he turned from the door to face the wall straight ahead.

“What do you think Earth looks like now?”

Kaidan frowned and scooted closer. His hand slid up to rest over his shoulder, fingers curling, feeling his smooth, steady pulse against his neck. “I try not to think about it, you know? It’s… it’s difficult but I can’t. Not right now. Not with my mum.”

He’d begun to massage Shepard’s shoulder, desperate to keep him present.

“Sorry, I forgot about…”

“Yeah.”

“I just… I keep thinking about what Palaven looked like from their moon. Garrus pointed out to me where his home was and it was just this burning mass of nothing. You could literally see it from fucking space, Kaidan. If Palaven went that fast what does Earth look like now? We’re just running around doing errands while a real fucking war is being fought and—”

“You’re starting to sound like Vega, John.”

That stopped Shepard dead in his tracks.

“That’s not a compliment, Kaidan,” he finally said.

“It wasn’t supposed to be.” Vega was a good kid, but he was just that—a kid. Overeager, prone to losing sight of the big picture—a liability if he didn’t have Shepard to rein him in. Resting his chin on Shepard’s shoulder, he pressed his chest against his back, hand dropping to his hip. Shepard eased into the embrace, hand sliding over Kaidan’s as it found a warm spot on his stomach just above his groin.

Kaidan thought maybe this would draw Shepard away—the close, casual intimacy they so easily slipped into despite being so new to each other—but it didn’t work. Shepard was once again talking, going over shit they’d been through countless times before whenever Shepard started to question Hackett’s orders.

“I’m just sick of the politics and the petty squabbles and… I’m just sick to fucking death of it. I didn’t become a Marine so I’d sit out on the definitive fight for humanity.”

“And you’re not, Shepard. Is this what you think all of this is? Just sorting out politics? Shepard… what you’re doing is getting an entire galaxy ready to fight unified so we might actually stand a chance. You and I both know that this is what it takes to win a war… It can’t all be fighting. Trust me, leaving Earth was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I… I wish to fucking god we could be there right beside Anderson, but we can’t. We’re doing good things here, Shepard. _Important_ things.”

_Or so I keep telling myself._

“That’s a pretty speech, Major. Plan that out all evening?” Shepard finally said, barbed sarcasm lacing his tone. Shepard was never what one would call patient—he preferred the direct, almost harsh approach to things, the complete opposite of Kaidan who danced around a topic until he could find the most diplomatic way to say ‘fuck you’. Shepard literally just said ‘fuck you’ and gripped his gun for good measure.

Not at all subtle, but it worked. Kaidan was used to it. Didn’t always agree, but he’d become accustomed to Shepard’s mannerisms over time.

Still…

“Fine, I won’t bother,” he mumbled.

“I’m not in the mood for Alliance issued pep talks, Kaidan.”

Kaidan was about to pull away—give Shepard the space he seemed to desperately want—but the hand covering his own tightened. Shepard didn’t apologize but he eased back further into Kaidan’s chest, head tilting to the side so their cheeks rubbed, Shepard’s stubble ticking his skin.

“You just gotta… you gotta know, Shepard, that this isn’t all for nothing.”

“I do. It’s not easy but I do. I know this is important. It has to be.”

It was like pulling teeth, but at least it was better than watching Shepard retreat to places Kaidan couldn’t hope to follow.

“You should try and get more sleep,” Kaidan suggested. The press of Shepard, hot and solid against him, skin beneath his shirt warming Kaidan’s bare chest, was tempting. But Shepard needed the sleep. They were headed to the Citadel to meet with a Dr. Bryson under Hackett’s orders. Details were vague, but any leads on the Reapers was one they were all willing to chance—even if it took time that Shepard would rather be using trying to get himself killed on some foreign battlefield.

If Shepard’s current mood was anything to go by, he’d need the extra sleep before he attempted to chat with anyone about anything potentially delicate.

But Shepard was shaking his head, and it was Kaidan’s turn to keep Shepard sitting with him, grip tightening around his waist.

“I can’t go back to bed. I’m too awake and I’ve got reports to file.”

“You did that all last night until you ran out of reports,” Kaidan supplied. “It was only then that I could convince you to finally go to bed.”

Shepard sighed. Kaidan thought he’d have another fight on his hands—perhaps a literal one, with the two of them sparring on the bed—but Shepard dropped his head back against his shoulder and stared up at the ceiling, Kaidan watching his Adam’s apple bob as he spoke.

“EDI—are you there?”

“Yes.” EDI’s voice carried through the room instantaneously. Kaidan still wasn’t completely used to EDI—her voice, her physical form, even her mannerisms. She was beautiful and intriguing, but she was Cerberus made. It was… hard to trust that. “How may I assist you, Shepard and Major Alenko.”

_Not to mention she knows where I am at all times…_

“How long until we reach the Citadel?” Shepard asked.

“Approximately two and a half hours. The quickest route was blocked by Reaper forces and I advised Jeff to take a longer, but safer, one. It was a deliberate decision on my part and I hope you do not mind. Major Alenko asked that I not disturb you for at least five hours. You were asleep when I made the executive decision.”

Shepard sighed. “It’s fine, EDI. Better longer than dead.”

“I too came to this conclusion,” EDI replied. “Thank you. Is there anything else?”

“No. Thanks, EDI.”

“You are welcome, Shepard.”

There was silence once more, save for the sound of the bubbles in the fish tank and the slow, even breathing of two weary men.

“Giving EDI orders now?” Shepard asked eventually.

“Someone has to look out for you. She agreed you needed the sleep. She worries about you… I worry about you.”

“I worry about you, too.”

Kaidan remembered their talk on the Presidium. Shepard looking at Kaidan with softness he seemed to reserve only for him. _It’d be nice to have someone to turn to_ , he had said, and Kaidan took that to heart.

The silence stretched again, and Kaidan worried it was long enough for Shepard to creep back into his mind, when Shepard’s fingers started to play with his hand. He lifted his head from his shoulder to brush his lips against his cheek, breath hot.

“We’ve got an hour to waste…” Kaidan mumbled, arching a brow as Shepard kissed his cheek.

“Wanna fuck?” he asked, voice a bit raspy.

Kaidan laughed. “Ever the romantic, Shepard.”

“Didn’t think you were the type to want roses and champagne.”

“Beer is more my style. Also, tulips are my favourite if you’re thinking of buying me flowers,” he teased.

Shepard chuckled, a sound that worked its way into Kaidan’s stomach.

Shepard pulled away from his grasp, dodging a kiss to his neck as he stood and turned around. Gripping the hem of his shirt, he pulled it up and off with ease, muscles flexing as he did so. Kaidan gave him an appreciative once over. Shepard had scars that criss-crossed his body like lines on an old paper map, each one telling its own story. Some were old, from when he was just a kid with too much passion and not enough grace, while others were new from bullets that came too close and heavy falls on to broken glass. A few were from Cerberus, the cybernetics having not healed properly leaving distinct, spider web-shaped lines here and there. Faint, but noticeable to Kaidan, who had spent the last few weeks admiring and tracing and kissing Shepard’s body whenever they both had the chance to stop and breathe for a minute.

He didn’t have time to admire this time, Shepard up on top of his lap as soon as his shirt was tossed across the room. Falling back on the hard mattress with a puff of breath, he caught sight of Shepard’s dog tags hanging between their bare chests before he was pulled into a fierce, hungry kiss. Shepard’s stubble chafed against his skin, teeth nipping at his bottom lip while calloused fingertips slid down his side and hooked under the waistband of his underpants.

It was all a little too much for Kaidan, who had just woken. Desperate, quick fucks were most often the only thing they had time for, but this time they had a few extra minutes—an indulgence Kaidan wasn’t going to squander.

“H-hey, Shepard,” he panted out as soon as Shepard had moved down to his neck, biting a mark he'd struggle to hide with his collar. “Stop for a second, yeah?”

Immediately Shepard was pulling back, fingers sliding out from under the band. Sitting back on Kaidan’s thighs, Shepard stared down at him, deep blue eyes searching his face for something. “Something the matter?” he asked, sounding genuinely worried.

Kaidan chuckled and sat up on his elbows. “No, nothing is wrong. I just thought we could... slow down a bit? You know… enjoy ourselves?”

Kaidan wondered if Shepard even knew what ‘slow’ meant. The man always moved as fast as a Vanguard’s charge.

“Yeah… yeah sure,” he said. “Sorry, I just got a little carried away.”

“It’s fine. Totally understandable,” Kaidan said. When all you really did was just rush into it, sometimes it was hard to do it differently. But they had the time, the environment, and-- Shepard ground down on his hardening cock—the incentive.

Pulling Shepard down in for another kiss, Kaidan took control, easing them both into it, ignoring the taste of morning breath in favour of running his tongue along the seam of Shepard’s full lips. Opening easily under his ministrations, Shepard groaned into the embrace. Running his thumb along the back of Shepard’s skull, Kaidan enjoyed the way the short hairs tickled his skin, adding to the heightened sensations.

Shepard’s elbows were braced next to Kaidan’s head, body hovering above his, fingers tangling in already messy hair. Kaidan could feel the ghost of a smile on his lips as they kissed and couldn’t help but return it, enjoying the slower pace as Shepard relaxed along with him.

_Just fill the time… just keep us both distracted for as long as possible._

Sliding his hand down Shepard’s side, Kaidan felt the muscles flex, a raised scar on his hip from a pissed off Krogan gliding past on his way further down until he had one of Shepard’s ass cheeks firmly in his grasp. Squeezing down, his cock twitched as Shepard gasped against his lips, eyes flickering open to stare down at Kaidan with such heat he felt like he’d been lit on fire.

Keeping their eyes locked, Kaidan squeezed again and ground upwards, briefly rubbing their covered groins together. Shepard didn’t break their gaze and instead matched Kaidan’s pace, a small smirk appearing on his lips as they began moving a little faster.

Things were going well until Shepard pushed forward a little too eagerly, his dog tags smacking Kaidan in the face.

Shepard let out a swear and then a laugh that turned into a grunt as Kaidan wrapped an arm around his waist and switched their positions, flipping Shepard down on to the bed and settling between his spread legs.

Immediately Kaidan was pulled into another kiss, Shepard once again speeding up, Kaidan’s bottom lip caught firmly between his teeth with a growl.

“S-Shepard,” he groaned, calloused, battle worn hands running up and down his back. Kissing across his jaw and down his neck, Kaidan stuffed his face into the crook, breathing in his clean scent. Usually Shepard smelled of metals and sweat; of hardened leather and dried blood, both his own and alien. But here he smelled like soap and his own musk, with a touch of the cologne he wore that reminded Kaidan of cinnamon and cloves.

Here, like this, Kaidan could almost pretend they were normal. Like they weren’t in the middle of a war, neither one counting much on their odds of survival and both desperate for as much time together as possible. Like this, Kaidan felt like he and Shepard were the only ones in the galaxy.

“Get these off.” Shepard’s impatient tugging at his underpants broke Kaidan from his musings, and he lifted his head to look down at Shepard. He stared back, brow cocked in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing,” Kaidan said, blushing. He was glad for the flush of sex otherwise Shepard would know he had been thinking sappy shit, and he knew the teasing would be endless after that.

Doing as asked—more like demanded, really—Kaidan sat up and got off Shepard long enough so they could both fully undress, matching Alliance-issued boxer briefs flying across the room to join Shepard’s shirt.

“You’re rushing again,” Kaidan mumbled as Shepard tried to tug him back down. Refusing, Kaidan sat between Shepard’s legs and instead chose to admire the man before him. “Guess I’ll have to pull rank on you to get you to slow.”

Long, strong legs were spayed out in front of him, tight stomach muscles contracting and expanding rapidly as he breathed heavily from the deep kisses shared before. His dog tags stuck to his chest right between his pecs, sweat already forming on his skin, glistening in the blue light. His arms were raised and resting against the pillows, fingers curled in a relaxed manner, belying the tension underneath. The soft, brown hairs that traveled from naval to groin caught his attention next, and he smirked as he eyed Shepard’s already hardened cock and heavy balls, pleased he’d gotten him fully stiff with just a few kisses and some rutting.

Finally, after taking his time and soaking in the sight before him, Kaidan looked up at Shepard’s face, noting how Shepard was giving him the same once-over.

“You’re beautiful,” Shepard blurted out.

It threw Kaidan off for a moment. Shepard wasn’t one for such statements. Kaidan knew Shepard meant what he said but he felt the awkwardness when he verbalized it. He was more action and less talk—unless it was yelling at Quarians to stop bickering, or mediating yet another disagreement between counsellors. Simple comments that came from the heart were few and far between, but when they happened…

“Thanks…” Kaidan mumbled, petting Shepard’s thigh. “You’re uh… not so bad yourself.”

Shepard laughed nervously and Kaidan could feel the tension return in his legs. He’d never asked Shepard why he always moved quickly, but he had suspicions. _Probably doesn’t know anything else; hasn’t found anyone else to take the time with._ The first time they’d slept in the same bed Shepard had seemed surprised that Kaidan wanted to embrace. He stiffened as Kaidan’s arms looped around his waist, a surprised grunt slipping past. But then he relaxed, leaned back, and slept for the meagre hours they had without moving from his spot in Kaidan’s arms.

Kaidan always felt a bit like he was always running to keep up with Shepard, but lately Shepard had been slowing down for him, awkwardly at first, but more naturally as the days progressed. Kaidan just hoped the change was a good one—one Shepard wanted.

If his body was any indication, Shepard certainly wanted _something_.

Pushing his hand further up, Kaidan gently grasped Shepard’s cock and lazily began to stroke him, pushing the foreskin up and over the head before gliding it back down. Shepard moaned softly and thrust upward into his touch, gaze locked on Kaidan’s hand, a flush on his sharp cheeks.

“How did you, uh, want to do this?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard looked up at Kaidan, bottom lip sucked between his teeth. Kaidan decided two things at that point: first, he needed a light on so he could see Shepard without the asari blue glow he had going on, and second, he really needed to be the one biting that bottom lip.

Leaning forward Kaidan flicked the switch on the light next to the bed, grimacing as the light hit his eyes.

“I guess not in the dark for a start,” Shepard said. He shoved his face against the side of Kaidan’s head, nose pressed into his hair as he tried to hide from the light.

“Sorry,” Kaidan said, laughing softly as Shepard mumble a half-hearted ‘bastard’ against him.

Turning his head he caught Shepard in another slow, deep kiss. His hand left Shepard’s cock and traveled from his stomach up to his chest, fingers gently entangling with the chain of his tags as he began to grind their hips together.

The first time they touched sent a bolt of pleasure through Kaidan, a loud moan shared between them as their cocks slid together and legs tangled. Kaidan’s hand remained firmly wrapped around the dog tags, a pressure on Shepard’s neck Kaidan was sure he could feel.

“I want you to fuck me,” Shepard panted out, head tilting to the side as Kaidan kissed and nipped along his neck, tongue sliding across the metal chain.

“Fuck you or…?”

Kaidan didn’t have to see it to know Shepard was rolling his eyes.

“I’m not saying ‘make love’, Kaidan, so don’t even try.”

Kaidan laughed and Shepard joined in. “I’m not that cheesy, am I?”

“Kinda.” Shepard paused then added. “I like it, though.”

Kaidan rolled his hips and snapped them forward as Shepard reached down to grab his ass, strong hands palming before squeezing down hard.

“So… you on top?” Shepard asked, breathless.

“Y-yeah, for sure.”

“Unless you—”

“No, I want inside you.”

When Kaidan didn’t make any move to disentangle himself from Shepard’s strong grasp, Shepard relinquished one hand from Kaidan’s ass and fumbled about at the side table, trying to open the drawer and almost knocking the alarm clock off in the process. Kaidan continued to lazily grind their hips together, tongue swirling along Shepard’s earlobe, only tearing himself away from the taste of sweat on Shepard’s skin when he heard a triumphant ‘gotcha’.

The press of cool plastic against his side broke the spell. Lifting his head, Kaidan kissed Shepard quickly but deeply as he grabbed for the lube, pulling away as Shepard tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth.

Sitting back between Shepard’s legs, Kaidan poured a generous amount of lube on to his fingers. Tossing the bottle on to the bed beside them, he pushed back the hair in his face with his free hand and reached down with the other, watching as Shepard exposed himself to him.

 _Ultimate act of trust_ , he thought. Shepard trusted him to watch his back on the battlefield and it had always been an honour, but this… this was special. This was the time when Shepard bared it all; literally and figuratively.

Wasting no time and sensing that Shepard was getting impatient (Kaidan too was beginning to feel the ache of unfulfilled need), he dropped his hand down and pressed his fingers in between Shepard’s cheeks, rubbing his entrance gently, coating it with the now-warm lube. Shepard curled his toes and raised his knees, pushing back against Kaidan’s hand, trying to get him to go in deeper.

“Take any longer and I’ll do it myself,” Shepard huffed out, although Kaidan could tell it was an idle threat.

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled, smirking as he pushed a single finger through the tight muscles. Shepard gripped the sheets, tension in his hands but nowhere else. Adding a second finger, Kaidan moved them in and out slowly, stretching Shepard, stroking his prostate with the curl of his fingers now and again.

Shepard remained as patient as he could, breathing heavy like he was in the middle of a firefight. And now that Kaidan made the comparison he wouldn’t be able to not think about Shepard naked, being finger fucked in the middle of battle.

_Great. So much for professionalism out on the field, Major…_

“I’m good,” Shepard mumbled after the third or fourth swipe of his prostate, his hands knotted in the folds of the blanket, toes curled and cock twitching, little pants slipping past kiss bruised lips. But Kaidan could still feel the lingering tension in his body and shushed him with another kiss as he stretched his fingers to the side, easing the muscles to relax until he was certain Shepard wasn’t going to be walking uncomfortably into a meeting with a potentially important ally.

“Now you’re good,” Kaidan panted out as they parted, his hand slipping out from between Shepard’s legs. The small, almost smug smile he wore was quickly lost as Shepard gripped his shoulders and pushed him off. Sitting back on the bed, he thought he’d done something wrong before Shepard was climbing on to his lap, the momentum of his body pushing Kaidan fully back on to the bed with a thud, his head almost resting off the bed.

“Want a pillow for your head before I get on or is that comfortable?” Shepard asked, reaching for the lube instead of said pillow.

“Is this uh, is this payback for me wrestling you down to the bed earlier?” he asked, licking his bottom lip as Shepard squirted perhaps a little too much lube into his hand and tossed the bottle off the bed, cap still open.

“Maybe,” Shepard replied. His grinned and reached back to coat Kaidan’s prick in quick, smooth strokes. Shepard’s rough hands on his cock made Kaidan squeeze his eyes shut and drop his head back on the mattress, not caring that yeah, maybe he should get a pillow.

Once satisfied, Shepard twisted his wrist on the upstroke before bracing Kaidan’s cock as he slowly positioned himself up above. Opening his eyes, Kaidan watched as Shepard sunk down on his cock, hot, tight heat encasing Kaidan slow inch by slow inch.

“Fuck,” he whispered, the sight let alone the sensations something else.

Once he’d sunk down fully Shepard stilled, adjusting to the semi-familiar intrusion.

“Yeah… fuck,” he replied quietly, hands braced on Kaidan’s chest, palm right over his frantic heartbeat.

Sliding his hands up and down Shepard’s sweat slicked thighs, Kaidan let Shepard take the pace, wanting desperately to buck up into more of his heat but knowing it was a bad idea. Instead he took the time to admire Shepard as he slowed down for a second. His brows were knotted together but not from stress, lips parted and nostrils flared as he tried to even his breathing. Bright blue eyes were unfocused and staring at Kaidan’s throat, attention on the bobbing of Kaidan’s Adam’s apple anytime he swallowed.

“You ready, Major?” Shepard asked, voice husky with sex.

Kaidan nodded and rolled his hips a bit, eager to get some movement. Immediately Shepard pulled up before plunging back down, tight and slick and hot all the way up and all the way down. Moaning Shepard’s name out, Kaidan locked eyes with him, strong hands grabbing his narrow hips to help guide him.

Shepard seemed to take Kaidan’s request at slowing down to heart, moving with a certain care he rarely showed. Shepard was all flash and bang; the battering ram in front of the invading army, loud and effective and fucking terrifying sometimes. But there was a hidden tenderness there too. It came out when he was speaking to EDI about humanity or listening to Tali about ship technology and Quarian culture; when Cortez needed help grieving or Vega had no one to talk to about military life and the stresses of expectation.

And when he was with Kaidan there was a gentleness to his manners and his touch, even when he had him pressed up against a wall, knee between his legs and teeth on his neck. Shepard cared, even if he tried to hide it for whatever reasons. Maybe he never knew anything else, or military life had become so ingrained he couldn’t think about showing anything less than absolute strength of will.

Bracing his feet on the bed Kaidan began to thrust upward, meeting Shepard on his way down, the two immediately creating a steady, even rhythm. Kaidan returned the smile Shepard flashed him, a brow quirked as he slid one hand inward, grasping Shepard’s dick.

“Wh-what?” he panted out.

“We make a-a good team,” Shepard replied, a laugh turning into a moan as Kaidan played with the head of his cock, pressing his thumb against the slit.

“Just figuring this out now?” he asked. It was his turn to be interrupted as Shepard squeezed down.

The easy pace they had created couldn’t last forever, and by the time Shepard leaned back and began riding Kaidan like he’d been made for it, Kaidan was more than willing to speed up to match Shepard’s pace instead. It didn’t take long after that, Shepard grinding down and Kaidan angling his hips just so, for both to come dangerously close to the end. Trying to keep his senses and his motor skills in check, Kaidan stroked Shepard’s cock, trying to get him to come before he did.

He failed. Shepard ‘won’ as he always did. Kaidan felt himself slipping and losing control just as Shepard grunted out his name and fully sheathed his cock inside him. Gripping Shepard’s hips with bruising force, Kaidan arched up into him, head tossing back only to discover he was dangerously close to falling off the bed.

But none of that really mattered in that moment. He could fall and crack his head open and he wouldn’t give a shit, too caught up in the feel of Shepard all around him—the taste of him on his lips and the heat of him around his cock. In that waiting period all Kaidan could think about was Shepard.

The rush didn’t last long—it never did—and as the afterglow began to set in he opened his eyes and admired the view above him. Shepard was only a few strokes away and Kaidan let him finish himself, not wanting to mess up his rhythm. Instead he pet his thighs and locked eyes, keeping his gaze steady as Shepard came.

Spilling on to his hand and Kaidan’s stomach, Shepard let out a steady stream of curses as he rode out his orgasm, body curling over Kaidan’s. Shepard stayed poised above Kaidan for a half a second afterward, before he slowly got off of his softening cock and collapsed on the bed next to him.

Staring up at the skylight, the stars soaring past with the heavy thrum of the Normandy all around them, Kaidan basked in the moment, his mind quiet and his body relaxed. Shepard seemed to be doing much the same, body stretched out next to Kaidan’s, their knees knocking together as they watched the universe go by.

It didn’t last long. Almost immediately Shepard was moving again, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Rolling on to his side, Kaidan chanced a glance at the alarm clock, noting they still had an hour or so to get ready and present themselves for morning inspection.

“You want the shower first?” Shepard asked. He was still sitting on the edge in an almost identical pose to the one Kaidan had found him in earlier. But this time he was present in the room, no longer lost in his own mind. His legs were stretched out in front of him and he was rotating his right shoulder, working the muscles he complained of seizing up now and again.

Stretching his arms above his head, Kaidan popped his back. Sitting up he shook his head. “Nah, you can use it.” He wasn’t sure if he could get his legs to work just yet.

Shepard nodded and stood, sighing a bit dramatically as he did so. Kaidan continued to sit on the bed, slowly coming to the realization he was covered in cum, sweat, and lube, when he felt the mattress dip behind him and Shepard’s arm wrap tight around his shoulders and chest.

“Don’t get lost in thought while I’m gone, yeah?” he mumbled, kissing Kaidan’s temple roughly.

Turning around when Shepard let go, he eyed him quizzically. “What?”

Shepard rolled his eyes. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing when you want to fuck like that. I’m a marine too, I know about this shit.”

Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Am I that obvious?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

Shepard shrugged and, in another uncharacteristically sweet move on his part, kissed Kaidan on the top of the head. He’d have found the motion patronizing were it not so comforting.

“It’s good to pass the time with you. It makes the waiting easier, so… thanks,” Shepard said, pulling away long enough for Kaidan to see the genuine appreciative smile and the flush to his weather worn cheeks.

“Hey… no problem. It’s what I’m here for.”

Shepard nodded. “I know.”

When Shepard left, the slide of the washroom door severing that connection, Kaidan sat alone and waited. But this time the wait wasn’t filled with the same dread it had before; this time, the wait gave Kaidan time to reflect on the beauty of this very moment, right here right now, sticky skin and aching muscles and all. It gave him time to remember what he was fighting for. Of why they were fighting a war they _had_ to win.

He’d fight for Shepard, so that they could fill the in-betweens together until they were too old to remember why they’d run from them in the first place.


End file.
